Paving the Way for Adoptive Families

When the Wertz family decided to welcome a sibling group of five children into their family of seven, it raised a few eyebrows in their rural community. Both Iris and Gary knew these children could thrive within routines centered on personal accountability and family values. Their birth children and an adopted son were living proof that children grow strong with love, humor, and a sense of belonging. 

After putting the matter to a family vote, they learned that their children were squarely behind the decision to make room for five more. Since that decision, the family has found their way alternately smoothed or blocked by well-meaning friends. They stress the importance of community support for families who adopt children with special needs.

1. Be Sensitive — Respect Privacy. The most difficult barriers to adjustment are the curious comments that emphasize differences in an adoptive family. "Which are your real children, and which are your adopted children?"

Iris still remembers tactless questions posed to her newest children such as, "What happened to your real parents?" She felt shocked that casual acquaintances would use such blunt questions to know her children. "These questions negate us as a family. What is a 'real parent' anyway?  Birth is a one-time experience. All that comes afterwards — the work, the teaching, the love — those things make you a 'real parent'." 
 

2. Welcome Newer Family Members. What can you say to family members or adoptive parents to acknowledge a change in the family without giving offense? According to Wertz, many of the comments by church members helped her family feel accepted as a whole: "Hi, how are you doing? How nice your family looks sitting all along that bench!"

Another way of welcoming is to ask to be introduced to "the newer members of the family." Adoptive parents appreciate comments or question that acknowledges them as a unit, without prying into their children's sensitive pasts.

3. Provide Physical and Emotional Support. Another way of supporting adoptive families is to ask if you can help in any way. Iris cherishes the friends who offered outgrown children's clothing in like-new condition.

Another neighbor brought carrots from his garden that "needed thinning." If you have extra, don't be afraid to offer it. The Wertz family needed extra beds, bedding, dressers, and many household items.

4. Be Generous with Understanding. Adoption involves a lot of revamping, adjusting, and change. According to Iris, it's about "putting your family together and making it work." That may mean that a parent's availability within the community will change."

When you visit the Wertz home today, you will find something going on in every room of a crowded house. As the parent of 10 children, Gary likes the variety. He says, "If you don't find something that's interesting in one room, you're sure to find it in another."

More importantly, you will find confident children who know they belong in every corner of that loving family.  

By Marti Wiser, CSW, Wednesday's Child Coordinator, Idaho Department of Health and Welfare